Well, Then
May. 16th, 2021 08:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mama_kestrelCW: Much unhappiness, some for good cause. If your own mental state isn't good for seeing someone else's distress, read something else.
I was about to say it's been a day, but really, it's been more like a week.
In order: Wednesday we learned that mom's cancer is back. She's too frail to tolerate treatment; even the tests to find out where it is could potentially kill her. It's causing her no pain; it's just causing bleeding and fatigue. Rectal cancer, third and final round.
On the one hand, I feel like I want her back home for this. It's a visceral thing: I should be accessible to her through this last challenge. But the fact is that the nursing home is already taking better care of her than I can. They can check her hemoglobin level when necessary; the lab is in-house. They can give her a transfusion. If she's too weak to turn herself over, they turn her. They bring her treats, like brownies. She has social contacts and activities, and when she has the energy for them she does everything. She's having more fun than she has since she moved here. I won't be bringing her home, because she's best off where she is. So why do I feel guilty for not doing this myself? Logic might eventually sink in, but so far it hasn't.
Then this morning I learned that an old friend, a brilliant, wise, compassionate man, lost his battle with leukemia. He was my age. His daughter, who was his whole world, is a year younger than my son. I will miss him, and my heart breaks for her. Coming on top of the other things this past year has brought, it's hit harder than it usually would.
And this afternoon I learned that the circle of friends in Indianapolis - the one I gathered and introduced to each other in the first place - gave my near-sister a birthday party. I wasn't invited. I don't think they expected me to find out about it, but someone posted a picture on Facebook. I understand, sort of. I haven't been able to go for years, because I've had to stay with mom. But mom isn't solely my responsibility now. We can go. We're all vaccinated. I suspect they've just gotten out of the habit of thinking to invite us. I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurts.
Okay, done whining. I need to clean my house before my mom's best friend comes to see her next weekend.
I was about to say it's been a day, but really, it's been more like a week.
In order: Wednesday we learned that mom's cancer is back. She's too frail to tolerate treatment; even the tests to find out where it is could potentially kill her. It's causing her no pain; it's just causing bleeding and fatigue. Rectal cancer, third and final round.
On the one hand, I feel like I want her back home for this. It's a visceral thing: I should be accessible to her through this last challenge. But the fact is that the nursing home is already taking better care of her than I can. They can check her hemoglobin level when necessary; the lab is in-house. They can give her a transfusion. If she's too weak to turn herself over, they turn her. They bring her treats, like brownies. She has social contacts and activities, and when she has the energy for them she does everything. She's having more fun than she has since she moved here. I won't be bringing her home, because she's best off where she is. So why do I feel guilty for not doing this myself? Logic might eventually sink in, but so far it hasn't.
Then this morning I learned that an old friend, a brilliant, wise, compassionate man, lost his battle with leukemia. He was my age. His daughter, who was his whole world, is a year younger than my son. I will miss him, and my heart breaks for her. Coming on top of the other things this past year has brought, it's hit harder than it usually would.
And this afternoon I learned that the circle of friends in Indianapolis - the one I gathered and introduced to each other in the first place - gave my near-sister a birthday party. I wasn't invited. I don't think they expected me to find out about it, but someone posted a picture on Facebook. I understand, sort of. I haven't been able to go for years, because I've had to stay with mom. But mom isn't solely my responsibility now. We can go. We're all vaccinated. I suspect they've just gotten out of the habit of thinking to invite us. I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurts.
Okay, done whining. I need to clean my house before my mom's best friend comes to see her next weekend.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 02:04 am (UTC)I don't have any magic words, so instead I will offer you virtual hugs if you'd like them, and a reminder to try to be gentle with yourself, because it *is* a lot to deal with and you are only one (very good) person.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 04:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 09:45 am (UTC)oh, wow
Date: 2021-05-17 02:27 am (UTC)I wish I could do anything at all to make your burdens lighter.
Re: oh, wow
Date: 2021-05-17 04:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 06:02 pm (UTC)You have my sympathies. That is a lot to deal with. 💙💙
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 07:10 pm (UTC)